Right frame of mind

I could not sleep.

It was 1:30 a.m. The house was quiet and everyone else was asleep, the bums. Maybe it was the six bowls of chili and the chunks of bread I had for supper. No, that was normal.

My wife was snoring enough to keep the whole house awake. No, she does not snore, but I had to blame somebody.

My married son is in the army. Maybe I couldn’t stop worrying that he might see live action in Iraq. I started debating with myself the pros and cons of the U.S. going to and still being in Iraq. My wife started to stir, so I got out of bed and headed for the kitchen. Why am I so loud when I talk to myself? Why was I now arguing with myself? and losing?

I still had not decided how to vote in the upcoming election, at least not for every office. I definitely will not vote for that one so-and-so! Why can’t other voters understand, too?

My dog looked at me. She didn’t even lift her head, just her sorrowful eyebrows with a “oh no, not again” look.

I got out a cup of milk. Maybe that would help me sleep.

Did I lock the car, my kid’s bikes, the house? Oh, that’s right, I don’t have to worry about that, I live in Philip now.

Oh no! I forgot my anniversary! Hold it; that's in July.

Something to eat might help. If I ate the last piece of pie, someone in my family would kill me. Then I'd be asleep. No, that would be a little too drastic. A cookie might be enough. Now the dog raises her head. When I’m sleepy, I’m a pushover.

Did I pay my life insurance? Wouldn’t it be neat if you could collect on your own life insurance, then really live it up? That could really catch on. Something to die for.

Maybe two cups of warm milk will help. No, that would be infantile. Did I really say that? Boy, I must be lacking sleep.

My toe itched. I just knew that it was cancerous. They’ll have to amputate at the hip. Really, I’m in good health, at least until I try to do something that takes strength ... or stamina ... or balance ... or .... Boy, now I'd never get to sleep.

Why couldn’t I find my glasses? I was wearing them.

Which past sin did I do to go bald?

My four-year-old son stumbled out. He sleepily said he wanted another good-night hug. I give him a small drink of water, a huge hug, and I carried him back to bed. He was asleep even before I laid him down.

I then went back to bed. I slept like a baby.