Resolutions ...

I love making New Year’s resolutions. I hate trying to keep them.

I will lose weight. I think that sounds exceptionally good, as I absent-mindedly reach for another piece of peanut brittle. Who cares about weight anyway? I don’t need to worry about my appearance since I am already married. (Don’t worry, my wife never reads what I write.) Besides, being overweight during the winter time just adds more insulation from the cold. Here in the middle of Western South Dakota, I will be needing every ounce that I can get. I once heard that heavier people can actually swim, or at least float, better. That must be right since I have never seen a drowned whale.

I will quit smoking. That will be a great resolution. I can even keep that one since I don’t smoke. I don’t look like the Marlboro Man when I am out on the range, but the cattle don’t mind. I don’t have that high intellect look since I don’t smoke a distinguished pipe. Hey, I don’t look too intellectual anyway. When my kids get on my nerves, I sometimes get steamed, but that is not smoking. People say where there is smoke, there is fire. My wife keeps saying someone should light a fire under me. So much for that.

I will write letters more often to people who are close to me but who live far away. That would be a nice resolution. Except, if people are close to me, why do they live so far from me? Besides, what was the telephone invented for? Anyway, don’t tell anyone this, especially my boss, but I can’t write. So much for resolving to write letters.

I will spend more time with my family. Yeah, right. My wife works outside the home. We have household chores to do when we are in the house at the same time. My kids have school, sports and other extra-curricular activities. They actually have friends. The growing rug-rats aren’t home enough to spend time together with the rest of the family, particularly me. My family dog doesn’t even want “quality time” anymore; not when the table scraps are gone anyway. That dog won’t even lick my face. I wonder if it is MY breath?

I will save more money. That would be a great resolution if only it had a ghost of a chance. The old saying referring to bleeding turnips comes to mind. I have been known to ask to borrow money from the Waltons. They say that the love of money is the root of all evil. I don’t really want the root, but a few pieces of fruit would be nice.

When it comes to New Year’s resolutions, I have just the thing. I will make a great, beautiful list of tremendous things that would impress anyone. The print will slowly get smaller as the items go on. No one really reads all of something that someone else writes anyway. At the very bottom, when the print requires an electron microscope, will be the last item.

I resolve to read this list, then throw it away.