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P.C. Envy …

My generation lived through the revolutionary up-and-coming calculators. The first ones were over $400 and were the size of a shoe box. Now a person can get a pocket-sized calculator at a convenience store for $3.99. An average modern calculator has more capability and speed than the "computer" on the first manned NASA space rocket. The first generation of true computers were bigger than many rooms, had reel-to-reel information storage, and required a team of employees to keep them running. Now an average personal computer can hold vital information on millions of people. Identity theft used to be a Halloween prank; today it is a major industry. I keep trying to get someone to steal my identity so the bill collectors can chase them for awhile. It seems to be a crime and a compliment to be a hacker.

To err is human, but it takes a computer to really foul things up. Did you know that if you hit alt-control-tab-F1-shift-home that you can send an e-mail to God? ... or is it to the computer fix-it person who always laughs at you? It used to be, "I'll call you." Now it's, "I'll e-mail you." I still prefer snail mail. The newest computers have screens that are only an inch or two deep. It is bewildering how the companies can get a camera into those screens so they can watch the computer owner cuss at the computer. With computers, you have to know your letters and terms: there is PC, CD-ROM, EMP, IM, Web, Mem stick, download, down time, lag time, upgrade, low grade. I have barely learned DON'T. One old term is still often used - idiot. (You don't want to hear the terms that I sometimes use.) I thought scanners were part of citizen band radios. Some people actually brag that they can Google themselves. Give me paneling any day over wallpaper.

A new computer feature is an attached light so you can work even when your house electricity goes out. Computers can talk with each other, so who needs humans? Computer snacks include Pop-ups and Nerds. Did you know computers can have mice (mouses?) and worms? I can't afford my house payment, but the computer mouse gets his own pad. Computers must have spiders, because everybody talks about the web. A truck company must be making computers because there is a RAM. My computer is an Apple - and look what kind of trouble that caused Adam. Do you get a happy meal with your Mac? Computers must not be for drivers taking sobriety walks, because they often go off-line. Computers are all wet, because everyone is surfing. They must be for strong women - Amazon. Can you play music on a computer keyboard? I thought www stood for World Wide Wrestling.

When it comes to computers, please don't pay any attention to my first name, and, whatever you do, do not push the universal delete or we will all disappear.