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One-liners

My daughter was not waking up. This is rare, but with me in the household, she knows better. I poked my head into her room (holding desperately to my safety rope) and yelled loud enough to penetrate her covers. "Remember, two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do." A few moments later she came out of her room complaining, "Daddy, by the time I figured that out, I was so awake that I couldn't get back to sleep."

That is what a good one-liner is supposed to do - make you think. They can be insults such as, "I will not engage in a battle of wits with you because I don't fight unarmed men." They can be tid-bits of wisdom such as, "Don't argue with a fool because onlookers might not be able to tell the difference." Whatever else you use them for, they are meant for fun. Here are just a few one-liners to ponder.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. Try corduroy pillows they're making headlines. They say that nobody is perfect, and everybody calls me a nobody. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Stop repeat offenders, don't re-elect them. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? The lottery is a tax on people who are bad at math. There are three kinds of people - those who can count and those who can't. If some people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean some people actually enjoy it? You are unique, just like everyone else. Sometimes I wake up grumpy and other times I let her sleep. How much deeper would the ocean be if there weren't sponges? Put the letters to "the IRS" together and they spell "theirs". Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way. If ignorance is bliss, then he is in a constant state of euphoria. She talks so much that she even goes into great detail about her vow of silence. If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving. Honk if you like peace and quiet. Its bad luck to be superstitious. Gravity always gets me down. If everything is coming your way, then you are in the wrong lane. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. I intend to live forever, and so far so good. Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery! The family vacation officially begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut." The next statement is false, yet the last statement is true. All generalizations are false. The word "gullible" is not in the dictionary (look it up). Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? What is another word for "thesaurus"? If you don't like the news, go out and make some. For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. He took an IQ test and the results were negative. He stayed up all night studying for a blood test. He started out with nothing, and he still has most of it. Few women admit their age and few men act it. No matter where you go, you're there.

I didn't used to finish sentences, but now I …