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Modest proposal

With Presidents’ Day coming up, and with the local economy always needing a significant boost, I offer a plan that would help out our cattle/farming region as well as Washington, DC.

Let’s find ways to market – for the lack of a more polite term – living livestock by-products. Please, don’t try to come up with an impressive business name that has an accurate acronym. The organic fanatics would be forced to add their backing to the many varied lines of value-added products. The politicians, out of professional courtesy, wouldn’t dare object. The renewable-resources advocates would have to add their support, or at least not raise a stink about it.

If people pay good money for man-made fertilizer, think what they would pay to get the “natural” stuff. Rose producers already use it; thus possibly altering the saying “a rose by any other name would smell just as....” If corn can be made into ethanol, this stuff would have an even higher octane rating. If the movie “American Graffiti” can illustrate how to blow out the back of a pair of Levis, then think what a gas tank of our processed product could do for a car. OPEC would become helpless; they could only try to make up their market loss by using camels. Good luck. Maybe the owners of 2006 Cadillacs and Rolls Royces wouldn’t want it in their gas tanks. Maybe they should have it. I know some old cars that it would make no difference.

If fathers want the guys to stay away from their daughters, convince the girls that “Fragrance of the Field” is the new fad perfume.

We could save on salaries for politicians. By having bureaucrats add a few ounces of our product to each IRA letter, to each “save the prairie rat” petition, to each anti-hunting-gun legislation, etc., we could expedite the legal processes with less man-power and waste of time. Many election speeches could be far shorter and project the same atmosphere. If Japan doesn’t like our beef, they can have this product.

The packaging might be a problem: to bag it, box it, can it, put it in a squeeze tube, or sell it in bulk? The packaging could cost more than the product. The trucking industry might want to label it as explosive or maybe a bio-hazard. Can you imagine a major shipment spill in downtown New York City or Los Angeles? – well, I guess those aren’t good examples, because maybe nobody would notice.

The practical joke market would love it. Instead of springy tubes shooting out of a package, our product could grace the office party.

It could fight crime, maybe taking the place of pepper spray. It could be used to stop burglars. Who would sneak over the grounds, crawl through the ventilation shafts, and listen hard to the tumblers of a safe if everything was generously coated with this stuff?

Not only could we ship it out of state, but internationally. I wonder what the translation would be in Hungarian, Spanish or Egyptian.

You tell me if my modest proposal might work. I’ll sell shares.