Glorious Food ...

I love to eat. We all have heard about the seafood diet - if I see food, I eat it. I can wolf down three hamburgers in about five minutes, or I can take about two hours to really take it all in. As a teenager, I won a bet that I could eat a hot dog (bun, mustard, relish, everything) in one bite. I've actually counted my fingers after eating finger food.

Someday I will pay for my obsession. I will not only not be able to see my feet, but my belt buckle will also be out of view. I will have to pay double when getting on board an airplane. I will not be able to fit out my door to get more food. Standing or laying, I will be the same height. Visiting the auction barn could be a big mistake.

But, for now, I will continue to eat. All-you-can-eat restaurants know me by name, and they fear me. My daughter (who was in all honesty actually full) absent-mindedly began reaching for the last piece of chicken. She looked at me and withdrew her trembling hand. They say that a carnivore can smell fear; they are right.

The only thing I don't like on leftover pizza (really leftover) is penicillin. You know the old exaggeration, "I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse"? Well, let's not go there. I love meat. Remember a few years (or decades) back when you could tell who was a vegetarian just by looking? Joking friends offer me things (lettuce and other plants) that are supposed to be first eaten by my real food. My idea of fishing bait is something big enough to be a side dish. I like most of my beef on the rarer side; not quite "cripple a critter and bring it in", but close. My wife likes some of her meat "Joan of Arc" style. Isn't it true that butcher weight for a hog is around 600 pounds?

My humor and my fondness of food do raise some questions. Donut holes shouldn't have any calories should they? If a tribe of cannibals captured a downed plane full of athletes, would it be a "breakfast of champions"? If man was meant to be a vegetarian, why did God create livestock? Are butcher's thumbs really heavier than everybody else's? Why, at a boxing or a professional wrestling event, is yelling "food fight" still not acceptable? Chicken have light and dark meat, thus what do Charolais cattle have? If there is supposed to be truth in advertising, why do they call them hot dogs? And, why don't they call them "beans and pork"? Is a cantaloupe a "mush" melon that survived? What is the world's record for the longest piece of spaghetti that a person can slurp down without biting? Why not genetically create a chicken with eight legs, but then how would you catch it?

Remember in the movie Cool Hand Luke where the hero ate 50 hard boiled eggs? I wonder what they offered for dessert?

Some people are dainty eaters; I volunteer to make up the difference. Some people count calories; my calculator doesn't go up that high. Man does not live on bread alone; I need meat, fruit, vegetables and dessert. Some people eat to live; I live to eat.