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Dog's life

We refer to dogs in a confusing manner. If you work hard, you work like a dog, then you become dog-tired. Not working is being lazy as a dog. When feeling oppressed, you lead a dog's life. When really dressing up, you are putting on the dog. Bill collectors dog my footsteps. Young love is called puppy love. There are bird dogs, hot dogs and underdogs. A thunderstorm is said to be raining cats and dogs. Watchdogs do not tell the time. Sheep dogs are not wooly. Cattle dogs do not say "Moo". You walk some dogs, and some dogs walk you.

If you have a dog that snaps, name it Ginger. While feeding a dog, do you politely say "bone appetite"? The core of a tree and a dog's tail are both farthest from the bark. Dogs are liked because they wag their tails rather than their tongues. Though man considers a dog his best friend, don't ever call your wife that or you will be in the doghouse until you die. The breed that most easily gets lost is a "where" wolf.

Even smart dogs have to remind themselves of certain things: The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff. Do not suddenly stand straight up when lying under the coffee table. Shake rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house. I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell him. Do not insist on having the car window rolled down when it's raining. We do not have a doorbell and I will not bark each time I hear one on TV. The sofa is not a face towel. My head does not belong in the refrigerator. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for the driver's license and car registration.

Rules for dog owners suggested by their dogs: Do not push me away when I want a hug after playing in the mud. Do not confuse me by throwing snowballs for me to fetch. Do not play fetch with a boomerang. Share everything you eat with me. Set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December. Protect me from that obnoxious little human thing. Do not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from me. Do not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether I am a good watchdog. Do not abandon me for trivial reasons like "going to work". Do not feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from where I was sleeping "illegally". Do not make me wear silly-looking antlers or red hats.

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? That depends on the breed. Golden Retriever, "The sun is shining, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a light bulb?" Dachshund, "You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! Rottweiler, "Make me!" Labrador, "Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh?" Boxer, "Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark." Greyhound, "If it isn't moving, who cares?" Hound, "ZZZZZzzzzzzz."

The liquid on the inside of a fire hydrant is H2O; the liquid on the outside of a fire hydrant is K9P.